he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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