I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just found a bag of teeth...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
