Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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