i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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