now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
