My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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