maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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