Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
