I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
