New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
