I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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