I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
