I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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