How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
