It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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