Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
