i'm lost and i look like a hooker
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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