Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
