So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
