The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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