Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
