Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
