Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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