last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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