I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
