I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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