New invention idea: vibrating tampons
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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