I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
