If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
