dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
