Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
