Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I deserve this hangover.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
