My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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