woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
