listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
