I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
