He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
