I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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