one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
