i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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