Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
