watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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