He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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