i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
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