just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
