Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
