How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
In America we eat man semen.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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