I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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