guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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