Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Randomize
