did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
